5.01.2011

life.

sooo, this week has been a very long and trying one.  someone i used to be in a relationship with...took his life on april 22nd.  because it didn't work out between us, and because after the break up he made some very "interesting" decisions which sometimes affected me and my new relationship, i couldn't remain friends with him.  about 6-8 months ago, he made it public that he was bi-polar. as much as i wanted to be there for him, i couldn't.  the highs and lows, the visions and "crazy" ideas were scary to me, and his erratic behavior and even the way he moved and spoke grew more and more intense and frightening, especially because when we were together, he never displayed any signs of ANY sort of mental health problems.  looking back though, i suppose there were signs that he needed help.  
because we weren't really even friends for the last two years, i felt very conflicted about whether i should be a part of his mourning as far as a service goes.  the last week i've thought of him often, but i hadn't gotten very emotional about it.  it just wasn't setting in...it just wasn't REAL until the day of his service.  i woke up and went straight to his facebook and cried for the next two hours, pouring over the pictures, and the sooo many people whose lives he touched.  i took the day off work and went to the service, and i'm so glad i did.  it was gut wrenching, it was incredibly sad, it was exhausting, but it was also a major eye opener.  
we all need a little help. especially people with such incredible inner turmoil as those with disorders like bi-polar who just really really struggle, and sometimes they might REALLY push you away.  don't let them.  they need you.  i wish i was there for him when he reached out. and now it's too late.  all i can do is learn from it, not only to be more giving of myself, but also to be more grateful for my life and my loved ones everyday

 if someone you know has even mentioned suicide, take them seriously.  no one should feel that alone, that hurt, when there are so many people on this earth who understand, who share your struggle and who love you.


i am truly sorry Brent.  

5 comments:

  1. wishing you strength during this time. as someone who has many experiences with people of mental illness, it is heartbreaking.

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  2. thank you. it really is. it feels so insanely heavy. i don't know how to deal with it, but writing seems to help a little.

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  3. Gianna,

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and his family and friends. I hope that you can be comforted by the good memories that you shared.

    Kory

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  4. I'm so, so sorry. This made me take a deep breath and really cherish those close to me. Thinking of you <3

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  5. I'm so sorry for your lost friend. I have had three people close to me commit suicide over the years and whenever I think of them I feel so very sad. Try to remember the good things about him. It will definitely help.

    ♥ sécia
    www.petiteinsanities.blogspot.com

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